It was inevitable, really. If you’ve been anywhere near me, or even if you’re my friend on Facebook (which most of you are), you’ve gotten an earful about Derek Webb since I went to his concert last weekend. Sorry about that. Except not really. His was one of the best concerts I’ve been to in a while. But that’s what I expect from D-dubs. So, obviously, I’ve had his stuff on repeat for the last week-ish.
“It’s hard to keep from giving up
It’s easier to just close up your heart.”
Last week, I wrote this post about not running away. I was a little dissatisfied with myself, because one of my biggest struggles these last few months has been what now? How do I go back to being a part of Christian culture without buying into the stuff that just. isn’t. true? How can I integrate what I’ve learned into my life? It’s hard. It seems a lot easier to just try to go back to the way things were or to walk away entirely.
It’s hard to trust in anyone
It’s easier to just fold up your arms.
Preach, Derek. I think this has been my response of choice. You know what I’m talking about? I’ll be here, but I won’t like it. I’ll participate, but I won’t really. I’ll show up, but I won’t volunteer any details about myself. I’ll protest with my indifference. I’ll withhold myself from you and you won’t even know what you’re missing. It’s hard to open yourself up again, especially if it was Christians that hurt you the most. I get it. I really do.
It’s hard to keep on showing up
It’s easier to run away from home.
I love extreme reactions. You don’t have to know me very well to know this. I love things. I hate things. And I decide pretty quickly which it’s going to be. When I was right in the midst of getting my world shaken up, I tried to have discussions with other Christians, and about 1% of them turned out well. The rest ended up being complete disasters. (Lindsey, what was that you were saying about extreme reactions?) People didn’t know what to DO with me, so it was just easier to run away.
Even now, chances are, I’m going to be the one with the unpopular opinion, and for whatever reason, we really, really don’t like it when other Christians disagree with us.
Is the church broken? Yes. Do Christians make hhhhuuugggeee deals out of things that don’t matter? Yes. Are there things about church that annoy me? Yes.
Is this body of believers, this broken place filled with broken people my home? Yes. Yes. Yes.
I belong there.
And it’s my pride that wants to close my heart, fold my arms, and run away. It’s my pride that wants to tell my own story rather than God’s story. It’s my pride that tells me that “going it alone” and perpetual dissatisfaction is the only way to honor the growth that God has brought in my life. It’s my pride that says that the church is beyond the kind of restoration and insight that God, in his grace, gave to me through suffering and crisis. It’s my pride that forgets that all of this– the last 3 years of struggling and crying and learning and growing– is grace. I didn’t arrive here (where exactly?) because I’m super smart. It is what God has done. It’s all grace.
And like Derek said at his show, you can’t tell both stories. You can’t tell the story of your own indifference, hopelessness, and pride while telling the story of God’s redemption and ultimate shalom. You have to choose one. You have to choose what story you’re going to tell with your life. You have to choose what story you’re going to tell yourself. Especially on the days when it’s easier to close your heart, fold your arms, and run away. Telling this story is harder, I know that. I’m feeling it every. single day. But it’s true.
Everything is going to change
And nothing’s going to stay the way it is
One day you’ll wake and the curse will break
And even you won’t be the same
Your hope is not wasted on the day
When everything will change.*
*Everything Will Change, Derek Webb
P.S. Check back tomorrow for my first giveaway!