I have to start by saying that I found out today that I’m a part of the launch team for a Jenny & Tyler covers EP that’s coming out in November. I’m super excited because a) I LOVE J&T (but you knew that already) and b) because 100% of the money they make on this album goes straight to fight human trafficking and c) because it means that I got early access to the album. So, check back for more info on the album in the next few weeks.
Anyway, Ellie and I were dancing around to a certain U2 song included on the album and she kept grabbing my face and kissing me. It was awesome. Not only because baby kisses are the greatest, but also because I usually have to beg, beg, beg for them….and that really has nothing to do with the short post that follows. I just couldn’t help myself.
I repeatedly notice this tendency in myself to run away from things that make me feel uncomfortable. Just human nature, I guess, but when I don’t like a situation, I usually just leave… That’s not entirely true. I usually mock on my way out.
I don’t think college helped this tendency at all. Every semester, things changed. I loved that. I loved that if I hated something, an escape was just a few months away. At all times. During the last few months that we were at Trinity, I started to ache for consistency. The temporary-ness of life was wearing on me. I had gotten to the point where every 3-4 months, I was experiencing significant life changes, and it was exhausting. I dreamed of the day when I would know, with reasonable certainty, where we’d be living, working, etc. for longer than a few moths.
And now we’re getting there. And it’s terrifying. It feels like suffocation.
And I realized why. It’s because I’m not going to be able to push the eject button. I’m not going to be able to just run away from a situation if I don’t like it. I’m going to have to stick it out. pray it out. live it out.
And if I can be honest, my attitude is going to have to change. A lot. I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit while I was listening to this song on the way home from church the other day.
“All that we do without love
It means nothing
Grant us the courage to give
As You’re calling
Make me an instrument of Your peace
Where there is hatred let me sow love
Where there is darkness let me shine light and
May Your love cause us to open up
Cause us to open up our hearts
May Your light cause us to shine so bright
That we bring hope into the dark”*
The first half of the chorus of that song is from the Prayer of St. Francis. His prayer continues:
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Oh, friends. I don’t think this is something I can do in my own strength. I don’t think this is something that can come from a heart of pride. Friends, I think only a broken person can live like this. Only a broken person living in the strength of the one who was broken first.
*Open Up, The Brilliance